I should start by being completely and brutally honest. This is not my first stab at starting a blog. Somewhere in the deep, deep depths of the inter web lie quite a few neglected blogs littered with a couple wordy, meaningless, rambling posts from my college years (specifically, one about me being a wild single woman and one about my weight-loss journey and struggles…my have the tables turned….). So what makes me think I can start one now and devote proper attention to it? This year my life has been irreparably changed for the better. Each day is filled with beautiful, terrifying, and incredible experiences that, I’m afraid if I don’t write about, I’ll either forget them or the feelings will eat me alive. This year, I became a mother.
This is Elliot.
She was born on September 6th, 2016 after a full 24 hours of painful back labor. The contractions started at home the night before and lasted through the night. Only pacing our bedroom afforded me some relief from the excruciating pain that felt like someone was hammering my spine with an ice pick. I remember I pep-talked myself through the contractions by singing, “Walk It Out,” by Unk, a god awful rap song that I shamelessly admit I know word for word. If I can give you any accurate snap-shot of the type of person and mother, I am its me 9 months pregnant, waddling around my bedroom at 2:30am rapping a one-hit wonder from the early 2000’s that I grinded to during high school dances.
When I was going through the contractions, I thought, “This is it. Take me now.” But now I don’t even remember the pain. When Ellie was born it was like my universe shifted. And I wasn’t entirely sure if it was in a good or a bad way. Who knew a 7lb wrinkly ball of flesh could almost take me out mentally, emotionally and physically.
This blog is here for two purposes, the first one, a selfish one. I want to document and preserve all of my trials and tribulations for when I have my next child. I want to be able to look back at how I felt to remind myself that I’m human, beautifully imperfect, and that everything I am feeling now is normal. Lastly, for when I am completely depleted and I believe only dark days are ahead, I want these experiences and feelings to be proof that better days are coming. And motherhood is not exempt from this.
My other reason is because no blog (that I know of) exists that gives a raw depiction of what it’s like to be a first time mom. That is my goal. I don’t want to scare anyone, but I won’t sugar coat either. Elliot is the best thing I’ve ever (accidentally, to be honest here) made…but nothing about having a child is easy and there are things that aren’t discussed in your friend circle, or by matriarchs in your family, or in all of the baby how-to books. I know this because I have mom friends, and powerful maternal figures in my life, and read all the damn books. And nothing prepared me for this. For Ellie. For the overwhelming emotions I’d have during and after her birth, and reaching places in my psyche both dark and light that I’d never thought I’d reach. For the days that I’d be superwoman and for the days I’d be a mess. For triumphs and struggles to come.
This will mostly be a space to talk about motherhood. But it won’t only be that. It will be about family, love, health and wellness too. Because all of those elements will also help shape me into the mother I already am and the one I plan to be.
But rule number one I’ve learned in Novice Mommy-hood: Life does not go according to plan sometimes. So here goes nothing.