I never used to think too much about using the public restroom in a store. You’re in, you’re out, you’re done. And then I had to do it with a baby.
A newborn was no problem. You wheel in the stroller or carry in the car seat and make googly faces at them while you pee. Aside from scarring the bejesus out of the them when you flush, it was a relatively painless experience.
Now, I have a 10-month old. We no longer take the stroller to the store. He no longer fits in the car seat. He rides in the shopping cart. The downside? You can’t take a shopping cart into the restroom.
I’m left with a couple of options:
1. Let the child crawl around on the floor while I do my business.
Have you tried to hold a child while using the toilet? Getting your pants down while holding the child isn’t so bad. With a MacGyver-like prowess you can undo the button and, shimmying like a pole dancer, you can successfully get your pants down without breaking your back or dropping the kid.
I speak from experience.
The actual peeing part is slightly awkward. I don’t know about you, but I feel kind of weird having to entertain someone on my lap while nature is calling. It’s just not right.
I’m not even going to get into wiping (you’re welcome).
But the real trick is when you have to pull up your pants. I dare you, try to pull up your pants with one hand. Difficult, yes? Now, try it with an baby who is trying to dive bomb the floor. Oh sure, you could put the baby down for a second and pull up your pants, but you already ruled out option #1.
So you wiggle and squirm and try not to squish or maime your precious while you do it. It’s damn-near impossible but with a little cussing it can be done. A word of advice? Give up after the pants are back up to your waist. Forget the button. It’s a lost cause.
You exit the stall, head held high, child covering your midsection so nobody can tell that you can’t button your own pants. But then comes the next part. The hand-washing.
You might luck out. You might get the sink area with counter tops. A dry counter is a super special bonus. You can plop the child down and quickly wash your hands. But, more often than not, you’re left with just a basin or the counter top with a built-in lake.
You can’t sit you child down in that. So, in order to wash your hands, you have to adopt a squeeze method. Hand washing is not a one-handed operation. You can’t physically rub soap into your hand without the help of the other hand. And you can’t let go of your child. So you widen your stance and squeeze the child between your arms, keeping your back straight so your beloved doesn’t get crumpled.
I’ve heard it be told that for optimally clean hands you’re supposed to sing “Happy Birthday” to yourself while sudsing up to make sure you get those paws squeaky clean. All I have to say to that is, “Are you freakin’ kidding me?”. You try holding that position for 30 seconds. While singing.
Once outside the restroom, you get the child back into the shopping cart. Then you have the fun job of surreptitiously buttoning your pants without looking like a sex offender.
I’m really looking forward to the days when my child is old enough to stand unassisted.
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I can’t wait for you next post.
I think that having two cats that enjoy potty time with mommy has prepared me for this a little bit. See, I don’t mind entertaining someone on my lap while I do my business.
This post makes me wonder how men handle an infant when nature calls in a public restroom :-/
Erin Blomquist recently posted..January 2nd, 2012
Erin, to quote my husband, “It’s interesting.”
Hysterical!! SO funny because it’s true! I love your stick figures…it somehow adds some dignity to a completely humiliating and difficult situation. Love this entry! Oh how many times I’ve been in this situation…
Traci, I’m soooo glad I’m not the only one!
OMG! This is hilarious!, I love how reading these reminds me when my little girl was under a year old! I have to confess that I actually DID bring the shopping cart into the bathroom!!! I did it a few times too… I remember once I sort of blocked this lady into her stall because she could not get out with the cart in front of the door! Oh boy, did she give me a look! I did try and go to the bathroom before leaving the house as much as possible though! But, yes, it’s definitely better going pee now that she can walk!
Anna recently posted..2 Worthy Young Adult Book Series to Read
I love that you just brought the shopping cart into the bathroom! Hehe. That lady must not have had kids.
I will admit that I’ve cut shopping trips short so I don’t have to deal with the restroom fiasco. It’s quite silly, really.
I tell you, people without kids don’t realize how the normally easy things become so complicated when you have a little one tagging along! I also have often cut short, or even scrapped, errand trips in order to avoid all the hoopla with taking a small child along!
Anna recently posted..2 Worthy Young Adult Book Series to Read
Ha!! Oh, man. If you use the Ergo, it’s also an interesting song & dance. Lift dress (I think you’ve explained very well why I never wore pants when they were super-little), lift child’s legs, lift all trailing things so as to avoid contact with super toxic scary water, squat, aim, and hope. But at least the hand washing bit’s easier!
Loved this post so much!!!
Bryna Sampey recently posted..On Vorism
I was once wearing the ergo. It made the whole operation a little easier as my hands were free, but it’s still bizarre to be strapped face-to-face to someone during a private moment.
Oh, LOL!!! True, true. I use the Ergo on my back exclusively. That does sound…personal. Things our teens will never want to hear!!!
Bryna Sampey recently posted..On Vorism
I remember doing this with Samantha…I discovered the advantage of yoga pants and skirts very, very quickly. I also used to hold her to her back was to my stomach…it worked great, she got to see the world and I didn’t have baby eyes staring at me. And I have to say, its worse when they stand, because they don’t stand still and they want to TOUCH EVERYTHING. It’s soooo gross. Just wait until Sammy starts talking and everyone in the restroom gets a play by play…I stopped using public restrooms when Samantha was 2 unless it was a Family Restroom, with a real door
Looks like I’m in for some real fun! Oh dear… And apparently, I should always carry around hand sanitizer. It’s a shame those family restrooms are few and far between.
HILARIOUS!
http://anothertiredmommy.blogspot.com/2011/12/so-i-viewed-this-link-on.html
Momof3 recently posted..I gave MY kids a terrible Christmas present…
This is why I generally drop trou and pee in bushes.
The thing is, when they can stand unassisted, they still touch everything nasty available, and unlock the door and leave you there, mid-stream, screaming at them to shut the door.
Good times.
Tricia O. recently posted..My favorite family Christmas tradition: Cross-dressing pajamas
LOL, Tricia. Hey, at least the bushes are cleaner than a bathroom floor…
Haha, it is a funny post, of course good info to us.
Hmm.. I was thinking of a full body harness, and a gorilla hook, so you can just hang him up on the stall wall for a couple moments.. I mean, given his parentage, he’s going to be an electrician/rigger someday, so he might as well get used to the gear now..
LOL, Bob! I wonder what OSHA would make of that.